You never actually grow up.
I don’t feel like an adult. I know I am on paper, and in reality, but I don’t feel like one. In my early 20’s I realized (after having to be told) that you never actually grow up, well not according to my ideal. Somewhere along the way I had gotten the mistaken idea that adults knew what to do all the time. They could assess any given situation and weigh the facts, pros & cons and determine what to do. So I guess I thought that all adult decisions were made with confidence, certainty. I was unaware that they still agonize over decisions, and wonder what is the right thing to do. Even after choosing a course, they still move tentatively forward, second guessing at each turn. They stumble and at times they fall.
The moment this truth crystalized in my little brain i broke a bit. I wept. I really thought that the simple passing of time, and the experience that came with it, would bring you to “adulthood” and that all the question marks would go away. Sadly, thats not the case. It’s funny to me now that I could be so mistaken on this point. I’m a pretty smart girl, but the heart is treacherous, and this is something i wanted, and still want - very much. But now, as I’m closing in on my mid-thirties, with a handful of labels under my belt, I find that I rarely feel certitude in my decisions.
And so..even as we age and wrinkle….we never actually grow up.
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